UP MY ALLEY
by ThreeHotPotatoes
Summary: What girl could resist a good-looking guy with his own custom-drilled bowling ball? A crackfic, hot potato E/B first date rated M just in case they decide to do naughty things.
1. Chapter 1

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 1 ======================================================================================X**

"Forgive me, Lucille." I move the leather tote to the back of my Geo Metro, freeing up the passenger seat. I wouldn't uproot my red pearl baby for just anyone, but Emmett assured me Rosalie's cousin is hot.

I crouch down by the side-view mirror and push my fingers through my hair. I smile wide and quickly check my teeth. All clear.

If the hair and teeth don't win her over, my favorite tee shirt will: an angry-looking bulldog with the words, "Only me, my woman, & the pro shop guy get to touch my balls!"

Poor girl's a goner.


	2. Chapter 2

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 2 ======================================================================================X**

Leaves crunch beneath my worn Nikes as I make my way up the walkway. I should break down and buy a new pair, but I've finally gotten them to the point of absolute comfort. So what if my baby toe peeks out?

I cup my hand over my mouth for one last breath check. The exhaled puff of air leaves my palm damp and warm, but at least I won't offend her with heinous halitosis. I'm minty fresh.

The door swings open before I can knock. I try to keep from staring but I'm unable to take my eyes off…


	3. Chapter 3

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 3 ======================================================================================X**

The biggest, hairiest pot bellied pig I've ever seen.

I step back in shock, but not before inhaling the vile odor coming from within the house.

I start gagging as a mass of wild, chocolate brown hair flies toward me while trying to capture the escaping swine.

"Jake!" she gasps, struggling to pull him back. "Listen to mama! Get back in here now!"

I feel bad not helping, but I'm scared he'll make the hole in my shoe bigger if his one tusk gets near it.

The woman peeks up at me while apologizing, "Sorry! He ate bacon so he..."

**A/N: *giggles* have we mentioned how much fun this is? Good luck, I da Ho! xxx Hot Tot**


	4. Chapter 4

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 4 ======================================================================================X**

"…Might be a smidge—"

_Holy Mother of Intestinal Distress! _I pinch my nose—hard—to repel the toxic fumes.

"—gassy." The woman flies after the pig waving a wooden spoon in one hand and a choke chain in the other.

"Dammit, Jakie, get back here before I hickory smoke your fat butt and pickle your balls just for fun!"

My free hand moves protectively over my fly, while my eyes follow the back of the woman's tight jeans racing around the yard.

In my head, she's gracefully balancing a nine-pound ball and gliding down the slippery wooden alley.

* * *

**A/N: Pot belly pigs and pickled balls FTW!**

**And thus begins Round Two!**

**xxx I da Ho**


	5. Chapter 5

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 5 ======================================================================================X**

"Just give me a minute to get him back in the house and then we can go."

My date finally wrestles the pig into submission, her slender, muscular arms straining as she holds the swine. I must nod my head or something, because she disappears back into the house, emerging moments later, sans pig.

"You must be Skid. My name is Bella," she says cheerfully, extending a slightly dirty hand. I can feel my blood pressure rising.

"Did Emmett and Rose really tell you my name was Skid?" I choke. She smiles and nods.

You shit your pants one time…

* * *

**A/N: From balls to skidmarks. FTW is right. Momma Russet signing off.  
**


	6. Chapter 6

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 6 ======================================================================================X**

... too many and all of the sudden you're stuck with the name Skidmark.

It's not like I could help it! The side effects on the alli bottle said "more frequent stools," not "if you eat a fucking cheeseburger you'll uncontrollably shit oil within five minutes."

But that was three years and seventy-five pounds ago. It's time Emmett let it go already!

Honestly though, I'd endure it all again for this fine physique I'm rocking now.

"Just call me Edward. He has a warped sense of humor," I say, finally taking her hand in mine.

Her smile brightens. "I really like..."

* * *

**A/N: dear readers... You only have Mama Russett to blame for this... What else was I supposed to do with Skid? xx Hot Tot**


	7. Chapter 7

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 7 ======================================================================================X**

"…bowling," she says. My heart lifts a bit.

"You do?" I release her hand and she immediately starts waving them both around while she explains.

"Sure. What's not to like? The thrill of a fresh set of pins every time you step up to the line, the rush of releasing the ball and watching it glide down the alley toward the crisp, white pyramid, the sound of the pins crashing every which way when they're hit…it's like…"

"Heaven on earth?" I finish dreamily.

Bella giggles and covers her mouth. "I was gonna say, 'really great sex,' but that works, too."

* * *

**A/N: Yes, I'm the sane one, I da Ho, just so you know. ;)**


	8. Chapter 8

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 8 ======================================================================================X**

I can almost feel my jaw unhinge, mouth gaping as I stare at Bella.

"Sex?" I squeak. Somehow we've gone from bowling to sex. One, I excel at. The other…

"Oh yeah. Don't you see the similarities? The smooth ball you just can't help but caress. That excitement you feel deep in your gut as you slowly get into position. And don't even get me started on how warm and comfortable it is with two fingers slipped safely into the hole."

"Marry me," I blurt, knowing I've just met my soul mate.

Bella starts giggling uncontrollably at my impromptu proposal.

* * *

**A/N: I can be sane...sometimes. Mother Russet...out!  
**


	9. Chapter 9

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 9 ======================================================================================X**

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. What the fuckity fuck did I just do?

"Sure!" she answers, finally regaining control of herself. "Now? Or after our date? Oh my gosh! We could totally be the real life Dharma and Greg! I bet we'd get our _own_ show! "

"Uh…wait, seriously?" I ask. I mean, I know this girl is 'The One.' Not only is she smokin' hot with her fineass...well…ass and her huge, voluptuous titties, but more importantly she just compared bowling to sex.

That's motherfucking perfection right there. Right... Right?!

What's she want with me?

"Sure! I know a guy…"

* * *

**A/N: FYI...a marriage proposal before they've exchanged last names is not sane... xx HT  
**


	10. Chapter 10

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 10 ======================================================================================X**

"...down the block, but _oh_—he only marries people on Tuesdays."

I swallow thickly. "What does he do the other six days?"

"Makes sausages. That's why we keep Jake on a tight leash."

Something tells me Esme Cullen is not going to be thrilled at the idea of her only son getting married in a sausage factory, but damn if my own sausage isn't getting pretty excited about all this sex and bowling and even marrying.

"Well then, seems like we have a few days to get organized. Maybe even bowl a few games?"

I look pointedly at the Metro.

* * *

**A/N: She hasn't even met Lucille yet and these two have them getting married in a sausage factory (okay, that last bit was on me) xx I da Ho  
**


	11. Chapter 11

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 11 ======================================================================================X**

I pull open the passenger door with a flourish, wanting to show Bella chivalry isn't dead. Another sweet giggle slips from between her luscious lips and my eyes are drawn to the way her titties jiggle beneath her thin gray tank top. I don't think the epic bulge that's suddenly pressing against my fly is very chivalrous, but try telling that to my turgid sausage.

"So, where we going?" she asks after I'm safely secured in my seat.

"Well, the Lucky Strike gets pretty packed with kids this time of night. I thought we could head over to Ball Busters."

* * *

**A/N: Sausage and titties. A match meant in heaven! Mother Russet heading out!  
**


	12. Chapter 12

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 12 ======================================================================================X**

"Oh, no. I can't go to Ball Busters. Sorry."

"What? Why not?" That's my favorite bowling alley. I wish I'd known this before I proposed marriage.

"That's still _The Blowing Balls _turf, right?"

I nod, trying to figure out what the town's best gay bowling team has to do with anything.

"Well, my ex pretended to be gay and joined _Back End Approach _hoping to knock them outta the top of the league. But _Rear Enders _caught me blowing Riley in the bathroom so we're not allowed back. Speaking of gay bowling, I love your shirt," she gushes.

The fuck?

* * *

**A/N: Thanks for the love, guys! If you think this is just one person still, please read our profile! Hot Tot out... *drops mike***

***crickets***


	13. Chapter 13

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 13 ======================================================================================X**

"You think my shirt's gay?"

"Um ...hello ...pro shop guy handling your balls...what's NOT gay about it?"

I unbuckle my seatbelt so fast the buckle nearly takes my ear off. Grabbing the back of my shirt with both hands, I yank it over my head. In two seconds flat I have it turned inside-out, and I've just pulled it over my head again when I hear, "Holy shit! You are _ripped_!"

"Oh, thanks. I bowl like six days a week so..."

"Your core must be rock solid!" she says, eyes bright with excitement.

If I get any more rock solid,...

* * *

**A/N: Can't believe she called his shirt gay. Go ahead Russett, do your thang. xx I da Ho out.**


	14. Chapter 14

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 14 ======================================================================================X**

…I'll end up with a new nickname. I haven't prematurely released a load into my undies in nearly two years. I'm not going to ruin that streak now.

With my unknowingly gay bulldog resting safely against my skin, I take a deep breath and look at Bella.

"Better now?" she asks, breathless from her giggles. I'm hoping the glimpse of my bod might be to blame as well.

"Yeah," I huff, running my hand through my now-disheveled hair. I try to get us back on track. "Well if Ball Busters is out, where do you suggest we spend the evening?"

* * *

**A/N: Dude...his shirt was TOTALLY gay! That was a great catch, Hot Tot! :-) MR  
**


	15. Chapter 15

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 15 ======================================================================================X**

"Well it's a little far, but if you don't mind the drive, we could always go to Up My Alley in Port Angeles. You heard of it?"

What? Is she serious? Did she not just hear me say I bowl six nights a week? Of course I've 'heard of it!'

Up My Alley is like the filet mignon of bowling alleys: Air conditioned lanes. Pool tables. Live bands. Four different bars. They even have a gourmet chef! It's quintessential mecca for any serious bowler.

Not that I have personal experience. You hafta be somebody or know somebody to get in.

* * *

**xx**

**Hot Tot**


	16. Chapter 16

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 16 ======================================================================================X**

"Of course! Love that place. It's off the beaten path, but I'm loaded up with gas! Sure, yeah, let's do it."

I know I'm suffering from what Dad calls "diarrhea of the mouth," but I can't help it. She's so excited; how can I tell her they'd never let me into a posh place like that?

I figure I have until the moment we get to the door of Up My Alley to come up with some smooth-talking way in.

Otherwise, pot-bellied pig and marriage proposal aside, this is gonna be the shortest first date in the history of love.

* * *

**A/N: Loaded you up with gas there, MR. You should be good to go. :) I da Ho out.**


	17. Chapter 17

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 17 ======================================================================================X**

As the Metro coasts down the 101, I scramble to find a topic to discuss, other than bowling. I'm sure we have more in common besides our mutual love of the world's most popular leisure sport. Just as I open my mouth to ask what she does for a living, Bella speaks.

"Did you know milk from a female bottlenose dolphin has more protein in it than a porterhouse steak?"

I feel like I'm moving in slow motion as I turn my head and look at her. The road in front of me is forgotten for the moment.

"Um, what?"

* * *

**A/N: Um, what indeed! I have no idea if that is true or not...but it sounds good! Do your worst, Hot Tot! MR :-)  
**


	18. Chapter 18

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 18 ======================================================================================X**

A blaring horn pulls my eyes back to the road, but not before I notice the deep blush on Bella's face as she studies her twiddling fingers.

"Sorry. Sometimes I blurt out random facts when I'm nervous."

Taking a chance, I grab her hand and pull it to my leg. "Did you know approximately seventy-six percent of human poop is made out of water?"

I glance over to see her now beaming face as she squeezes my hand. "No shit?"

I bust into laughter at her joke as I pull off the 101 at Port A. "Girl's got jokes...I like!"

* * *

**A/N: so... I took the time to research my fact... *Side eyes MR* And the Internet said it was true so it must be! **

**He's kinda sweet isn't he? xx Hot Tot **


	19. Chapter 19

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 19 ======================================================================================X**

Gravel crackles under my tires as I pull in between a Porsche Boxster and a Maserati. The bright turquoise and hot pink neon buzzing around the building draws me in like a Klingon ship sucked into a tractor beam.

"Set phasers to stun," I mumble while opening her door.

"Huh?"

_Shit._

"Oh, I said, 'Let's git 'er done!'"

"I LOVE Larry the Cable Guy!"

"You're totally perfect," I blurt. "One sec, gotta grab Lucille."

Her eyes are locked on me as I open the back door and pull out my bowling bag.

"Your _ball_... is Lucille?" she grins.

"Get it?"

* * *

**A/N: I, too, researched muchly for this one (quotable Star Trek lines). Couldn't use this, but I loved it: "Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That's the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim." - Kirk (Elaan of Troyius) xxx I da Ho**


	20. Chapter 20

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 20 ======================================================================================X**

"That's a pretty dated reference," she says as we head toward the entrance. I shrug and pray she doesn't ask more about my ball's name. I'd hate to ruin what little street cred I have left. Nothing says 'loser' like telling a girl you spend your weekends with your grandma at the old folk's home watching re-runs.

Thankfully my Matlock-loving ass is saved by the huge bouncer standing guard in front of the door.

"You got somethin' to say to me?" he growls, pecs flexing beneath his black t-shirt. I'm shitting my pants, but Bella steps right up to him.

* * *

**A/N: Damn...100 words is just too short! I had more to say...but I'm sure it's nothing compared to what Tot will come up with! MR  
**


	21. Chapter 21

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 21**

** ==============================================================================X**

"If you don't cover when you penetrate, you'll be left to masturbate," she says before sticking her hand out and grabbing his junk.

A smile breaks out on the bouncer's face, and he winks at Bella. "Always a pleasure, Bella. This tool with you?" he asks, gesturing at me.

Uhh… what?

Bella grabs my hand, pulling me forward. "Sure is, Fruity Pop. Meet my new fiancé, Edward! We're going to Aro's Tuesday to get married!"

"Really? You should just do it now…Aro's playing tonight. Bet the boss would love to advertise that."

Bella's hopeful face turns to me.

Uhh… what?

* * *

**A/N: I swear... sometimes these chapters just write themselves. So, what're we doing, IdH?**

**xx HT**


	22. Chapter 22

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 22**

**==============================================================================X**

"We should totally do this!" she beams.

The bouncer gives me a giant wink and grabs his cell. "I'll get the wheels turning."

"Hang on a sec, uh... Mister ...Pop. Bella, may I speak with you..._privately_?"

"Sure, Brick."

"Um...what?"

"Oops," she giggles, "did I say that out loud? Sorry, I just can't stop thinking about your chest."

"Thanks, and right back at ya. But seriously, my mother would cut off my balls with a butter knife if I got married tonight."

"Well, that would suck, I haven't even seen 'em yet, let alone rolled 'em around on my tongue."

"Umm..."

* * *

**A/N: TUESDAY. They're getting married on Tuesday, Hot, ya hear? Plan foiler! *grumble grumble* **

**Welcome, new readers! We cherish every review and every pimp because we can't say a dang word ourselves!**

**xx IdH  
**


	23. Chapter 23

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 23**

**==============================================================================X**

The image of Bella on her knees, her tongue lapping across my sac is fucking with my concentration. But the thought of my mother discovering I went and tied the knot without her knowledge sends my aforementioned balls into hiding.

"So we agree. We get married on Tuesday in the sausage factory. Tonight…we bowl."

Fruity Pop the bouncer opens the door with a flourish and I guide Bella inside. Watching the luscious mounds of her ass cheeks bounce as she walks is almost enough to distract me from the sight of glossy, real wood lanes stretching out before me.

Almost.

* * *

**A/N: There, da ho...Tuesday. I feel like a fanfic virgin with these new readers and reviews...go on, pop my cherry! MR :-)  
**


	24. Chapter 24

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 24**

**==============================================================================X**

The place is packed, but at least we can shoot a game of pool or grab some drinks at the bar while we wait.

Before I reach the counter to pay, Bella hops in front of me, bends over-sticking that luscious ass directly against my crotch-and grabs the cashier. Bree isn't phased when Bella pulls her close, before whispering in her ear and giving her a loud, smacking kiss.

"Sure...there's still one lane open in the private room. It's all yours!" Bree says.

Uhh...What?

Clearing my throat I ask, "Are you always so friendly with the staff here?"

* * *

**A/N: huh...who knew bowling alleys had private rooms? Wonder who else will be in there. And how the heck does Bella know all these peeps? xx HT  
**


	25. Chapter 25

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 25**

**==============================================================================X**

"I hate the bitch who works the register on Thursdays, but aside from that...yeah."

Bella takes my hand and leads me to the bar. "Embry, get my friend whatever he wants, will ya?"

"Sure, Split."

"Umm...Split?"

"Yeah, it's kinda my handle around here."

"You bowl a lot of splits? I can show you how to pick up—"

Embry tosses down a napkin and starts to laugh. "Dude, that's not her bowling nickname."

"I'm gonna go change," Bella says. "Be right back?"

Bella's ass sways down the carpeted hallway and into the ladies' locker room.

"What're you drinking?"

"Something strong."

* * *

**A/N: Oh dear, what is that girl splitting? All yours, MR! **

**Special shout out to Domie, Cullens Twi Mistress, and Sunflower Fran for helping us pimp this monster! We are three grateful taters!**

**XX IdH**


	26. Chapter 26

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 26**

**==============================================================================X**

Maybe she fell on the lane once and split her pants.

Maybe she loves banana splits.

Maybe…

"Aw, fuck," I mutter into the short tumbler of vodka Embry slips before me. Even the erotic sound of pins tumbling against the lane doesn't help cheer me up. My future wife has apparently screwed the entire bowling alley.

"Pretty much, dude," he says seriously and I glare at him, wondering if he's a mind reader. His eyes flick over my shoulder and he lets loose a loud whistle. I send a quick prayer up to the Big Guy before I turn around.

* * *

**A/N: Grrr...I hate a slutty Bella, but I had to go with the flow. I see you Missy, Brandi and Massy. This is like a crazy game of guess who! MR :-)  
**

**You're up, Hot Tot!  
**


	27. Chapter 27

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 27**

**==============================================================================X**

"Hey, baby!" Bella's all smiles as she walks up under the arm of a familiar looking man. "I wanted you to meet my step-dad! He owns this place."

"Name's Phil Dwyer," he says, holding his hand out.

"Nice to mee...wait! THE Phil Dwyer? Owner of Porn Pros and Bang Bros?"

"That'd be me. You're a fan?"

Shit. Should I admit I watch porn?

"Uhh...yeah. Not so much of the new Bang Bros line, but I've caught some of the other stuff."

Recalling a scene in Bowling Hole, my eyes light up.

I turn to Bella. "So you're not a whore!"

* * *

**A/N: Bella's not a slut! Lol. I have to admit...when we came up with this idea, I thought it would be epic or a flaming pile of horse shit. I hope you guys are enjoying reading us trying to finish each others thoughts as much as we are enjoying doing so while we write!**

**Anyone care to spare *giggles* a guess as to who we are? We recognize a few of you! xx HT**


	28. Chapter 28

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 28**

**==============================================================================X**

Phil smiles proudly and hugs Bella tighter to his side. "Best damn stunt bowler in the Northwest."

That explains the high-polish silver Slingshot hanging off her fingers and the sequined shoes, not to mention the skin-tight short-sleeve moisture-wicking top she's rocking.

"And your nickname?"

Bella winks. "You'll see, Rip."

"Oh, nice to meet you, Rip," Phil says.

"Rip?" I can't keep up.

Bella giggles. "I'm trying it out on you. Nah, I like Brick better, I think."

"You two have fun now," Phil tells her.

"This-a-way." Bella sings, turning me toward the private room. "So ...what should we play for?"

* * *

**A/N: I SWEAR I never meant for Bella to be a slut! I had a whole stripper pole thing going on in the private room in my scenario. She was gonna have an epic wingspan...or whatever you'd call it for legs. Plan B...again! You potatoes are killing me here! So, MR...what WILL they play for? Don't forget, they're in quasi-public! Ta! **

**Well, one of our crafty readers has figured us out! Gotta admit, it was almost a relief!**

**Till 31, then! xx IdH**


	29. Chapter 29

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 29**

**==============================================================================X**

The private room is tastefully done, with dark gray velvet drapes running from floor to ceiling, dividing each lane into its own little area. I set Lucille down carefully next to the ball return and watch Bella slide her Slingshot onto the padded rails. As the ball settles, the overhead lights glimmer off the shiny surface.

"Have you decided what we're playing for?" Bella coos, bringing me out of my ball envy. My eyes are instantly drawn to the deep V of her shirt.

"Boobs," I grunt.

"We're playing for boobs?" she giggles, tossing her hair over her shoulder.

Fuck.

* * *

**A/N: I da Ho knows a LOT more about bowling than I do, even though my ex was a pretty good bowler. All I got out of his ramblings was that three strikes in a row is called a Turkey and a 300 is like the Holy Grail. So I'm using Google and bullshit as my guide.  
**

**We will entertain any and all guesses as to who we might be. But if you do get it right...keep it on the down low. MR :-)  
**


	30. Chapter 30

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 30**

**==============================================================================X**

"Booze!" I shout just a little too loudly. "I said booze! I mean, how could we even play for boobs?"

Seriously...cuz if there's a way, I'd be all over that shizzle. Just sayin'.

Bella studies me as she pulls her ball out of a custom-made bag with 'Split' written across it in pink jewels.

I think my dick just twitched.

"I bet if we used our imaginations, we could find a way," she coos with a wink.

Hell yes! That's what I'm talking about.

I'm willing my dick back down when she continues, "Maybe we should play twenty questions while...

* * *

**A/N: I know jack shit about bowling. I don't think I've ever broken 100! I do know about twitching dicks and bedazzled bags, tho. You're up Ho!****  
**

**xx HT**


	31. Chapter 31

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 31**

**==============================================================================X**

"...we go at it."

"Go at it?"

"BOWL, goober! Ten frames, two games, two bowlers, one question after each turn, that's twenty questions apiece. We'll switch off. You can even go first."

"How many passes do we get?"

"Hmm...three?"

"Deal."

Bella starts typing into the scoring machine. "BRICK" appears on the giant screen, with "SPLIT" just below.

"Show me what you got, big boy," she taunts.

"Just to clarify, we're playing for drinks?"

"For now."

She winks.

I quake.

I lift my ball from its cradle and slide my fingers into the deep, dark holes.

Bella sighs loudly behind me.

* * *

**A/N: Who could blame her? What up, MR? Will he roll that thing straight? What will he ask first?**

**And what about those floor-to-ceiling curtains? xx Ho out.**


	32. Chapter 32

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 32**

**==============================================================================X**

Lucille was a familiar and comforting weight at the end of my arm. My approach was flawless. My backswing was smooth. The release was perfect.

"Gutter ball!"

I spin around, making myself dizzy. Bella was already filling my shot glass with tequila, a bowl of limes and a salt shaker waiting beside it.

"You know, I had to have my ball specially drilled because of my long fingers," I say smoothly. Her eyes are dark beneath the thick fringe of lashes.

"You know, I'm beating you by nearly seventy pins."

I'm getting whooped by a girl and I love it.

* * *

**A/N: Wha? Where are the questions, you ask? Eh...I decided to just get him drunk. You know only good things happen when you're drunk. I'm sure Tot can come up with some great questions.  
**

**Sorry for the delay. My ass was asleep by the time I da Ho posted.  
**

**Can I just say how much fun this is!  
**

**Go for it, Tot!  
**


	33. Chapter 33

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 33**

**==============================================================================X**

Time to show her my smooth moves.

"You're so awesome. I can't wait to marry you. It'll be amazing to be in a relationship where I can say, 'I absolutely need you.' That's sometimes how I feel about a cheeseburger."

Bella's eyes are dancing and her smile is huge...I knew she'd love that line.

Score!

"All right, Casanova. Next question. If you could be any animal what would you be?" She asks.

Psht...that's easy!

"The head of a bear, the body of a horse, and the wings of an eagle."

Her tinkling laughter fills my ears, and smiling I lean ...

* * *

**A/N: thanks for all of your fun reviews and guesses! Should I disclaim Rob here? half of this chapter came straight from his mouth! Hot Tot out...**


	34. Chapter 34

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 34**

**==============================================================================X**

...forward and lightly place my fingertips just below her neck—my left hand, because my right hand has been in dirty, sweaty holes.

"The thing about eagle wings..." my fingers tease lower, into the gaping V, "is they're shit for fondling breasts."

Her cleavage jumps right into my pinky when she gasps. Everything stops cold. Four eyes heavy with lust and tequila lock together.

Lower the fingers skim, soft flesh yielding wantonly.

Bella smirks, and so do I.

"What?"

Her eyes drop hungrily to my zipper. "Just thinking the body of a horse might not be such a bad thing."

* * *

**A/N: Don't worry, MR. She's only a slut for Edward. ;)**

**We love your guesses, your pimpage, and your naughty ideas!**

**xx IdH**


	35. Chapter 35

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 35**

**==============================================================================X**

Bella's words and the heat of her gaze push the limit of my restraint. My poor cock has been tortured all night; up, down, hard, soft, weeping, throbbing. With a snarl, I reach down and grab behind her thighs, hoisting her into my arms. Her mouth latches onto mine, tongues dueling as I stumble over to the wall, intent on showing her just how much I have in common with a horse.

It's only as we're tumbling into the next lane that I remember the walls aren't really walls.

Bella's breathless giggles are interrupted by a familiar voice above.

"Son?"

* * *

**A/N: I MAY have had a wee conversation about the plot with Tot. I MAY have just set things up perfectly for her.  
**

**I MAY be enjoying your frustration a bit too much at guessing who we are.  
**

**Mwah! MR :-)  
**


	36. Chapter 36

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 36**

**==============================================================================X**

My cock deflates instantly. As much as I love her, hearing my mom's voice when I'm trying to get in my fiancée's pants isn't cool.

I'm shocked as shit when Bella giggles beneath me and says, "Hey, Esme!" Then she swats at me, "You didn't tell me your mom's Esme Platt, baby!"

"Bella?" Mom questions. "Is that you, girl? What're you doing underneath Edward?"

Bella laughs again. She may be kicking my ass, but she's downed almost as many shots as me.

"Apparently getting cockblocked...or clitblocked, as it were!" Her eyes light up. "Hey! Now we can get married tonight!"

* * *

**A/N: In my defence ... I told IdH _and_ MR that Mama Cullen was showing up to the bowling alley. IdH was determined there wasn't going to be a wedding! LOL I'm determined there IS gonna be one! Word of advice ... if anyone else decides to do something like this, make sure it's with people you really love (and who love you) or you may end up friendless!****  
**

**Now...Why does Bella know Edward's mom as Esme Platt? And why hasn't Esme hooked Edward up with access to Up My Alley? And why does Word think clitblocked isn't a word?**

**You guys rock:)**

**xx  
HT**


	37. Chapter 37

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 37**

**==============================================================================X**

"You're _engaged_, Edward?"

"You _bowl_, Mom?"

"You didn't know your Mom was in the circus?"

Um...what?

"She was...y_ou were WHAT_?"

"Hold on, kids, first things first," Mom insists. "How did you two meet?"

"Emmett set us up. Bella is Rosalie's third cousin twice-removed."

Mom's hand flies to her hip. "How long have you been seeing each other?"

Bella bursts into loud giggles. "Three hours."

"You work fast, son," Mom grins. "Take after your father."

Speaking of... "Who are you here with anyway?"

"A bunch of clowns," she chuffs. "Phil lets us bowl in exchange for our services."

Dare I ask?

* * *

**A/N: Take THAT, you two! Okay, someone else figured me out in a PM! Come on now, people. How many people do you know in the fandom who are this off their rockers? Oh...yeah, good point.**

**xx  
IdH**


	38. Chapter 38

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 38**

**==============================================================================X**

"Please tell me you don't actually dress up like a clown and spray people with seltzer," I whimper. Bella presses up against my back, distracting me with her firm breasts and pointy nipples.

"No silly! The clowns dress up. I'm just their fluffer," she says, waving her hand through the air like I just said the most ridiculous thing ever.

Of course after just recently meeting the King of Porn, my mind instantly goes to my mom on her knees with a clown's wang in her mouth.

"Enough about me, when are you two going to make me a grandmother!"

* * *

**A/N: Yep...I did that. I'm seriously surprised more of you haven't figured out who I am. I'm staying pretty true to form. Clown fluffers and pointy nipples. Yep...that's my trademark.  
**

**MR :-)  
**


	39. Chapter 39

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 39**

**==============================================================================X**

"Well, I was working on about nine months from now, but Brick got a little zealous so now we're talking to you instead of bumping uglies against the real wall. Your son is so hot, Esme. I promise I'll be a good wife," Bella gushes.

"OKAY!" I shout, finally getting off the floor and pulling Bella with me. "Can we please talk about something else? Like did you seriously just say you keep clown porn stars hard between takes?"

"Don't be so uptight, honey," Mom chides.

A thought occurs to me, making my stomach roll. "Is that how you bought...

* * *

**A/N: idek what to say ... It's almost shameful at this point. ;)**

**Lots of love to my two cohorts in crime. And to you guys! We love getting your reviews and your guesses! We've been known to give hints if you don't figure us out so keep guessing!**

**xx**

**HT**


	40. Chapter 40

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 40**

**==============================================================================X**

"...our time-share in Bora-Bora?"

"Yes. Oh, _hon-est-ly_, Edward. I fluff...hair. Big goofy clown hair—used to, anyway. To stay somewhat sane on the road, I taught myself some tricks with my Roto Grip; I became an attraction."

Bella reaches around me and rubs her palm reverently over the surface of Mom's bowling ball. "She is a beauty," Bella says, her voice laced with awe.

"Phil caught my act one time down at the pier and figured I'd be perfect to train his stunt stars, hence...my beautiful friendship with this one here. You still rocking that split, B?"

"Abso! Wanna see?"

* * *

**A/N: And...we snap the rubber band right back to sane. AND OH MY GOSH LOOK, OUR PLOT! Miss Russett?**

**xx IdH**


	41. Chapter 41

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 41**

**==============================================================================X**

Even though she's already ingested half her weight in tequila, Bella somehow manages to glide gracefully toward the ball return and snag her Slingshot. At her direction, two pins are placed in the seven and ten spot. This is going to be fun to watch.

I ignore my mother's oh so helpful comments about increasing the probability of conceiving a child with just a few squirts of seltzer to loosen up Bella's cervical mucus and watch my girl.

Her hips wiggle as she hefts the ball up against her chest.

Her approach is textbook perfect.

But her backswing…

"Look out!"

* * *

**A/N: Sane? Plot? Nope...not me! MR :-)  
**


	42. Chapter 42

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 42**

**==============================================================================X**

My head snaps toward the commotion, and unfortunately I miss watching Bella's plump ass as she releases the ball to glide down the lane.

Instead, my eyes are assaulted with the image of two half-dressed men tangled together on the floor, much in the same fashion Bella and I were found just moments ago.

And is that...yep! One of them is Bella's step-dad.

Awesome.

"Dad! Can't you and Phil go one night without tearing shit up back here?" Bella huffs, crossing her arms and conveniently shoving her tits together.

My dick springs to life and I utter, "Gah...I love you."

* * *

**A/N: What was this story missing? Oh yes, that's right. A little slash.  
**

**Sorry, MR, I could not let that ball hit poor Edward. He's having a rough night as it is!**

**xx HT**


	43. Chapter 43

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 43**

**==============================================================================X**

The crack of the elusive tenpin hitting the lane snaps my attention from the jumble of bare chests and unbuckled belts.

_What the..._

_She did it_! Bella hit the 7-10! Every bowler's wet dream right before my eyes and if history serves, I best get out of here...and quickly!

Phil has other ideas. He zips up and gestures to me. "Charlie, this is Bella's friend, Rip."

"Oh, I'm not—"

Bella giggles and interrupts, "He's not my friend; he's my fiancé, and the name's Edward. Edward, this is Daddy."

"Charlie," he nods, extending a hand—the hand that was just...

* * *

**A/N: *head-desk*  
**

**it's a layup, MR. We all know where that hand just was...or DO WE?**

**xx IdH**


	44. Chapter 44

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 44**

**==============================================================================X**

…checking Phil's prostate.

Gross.

"Daddy, you don't offer to shake hands after you've been diddling the backdoor!" Bella scolds, slapping at his bare arm. The man has the good grace to look chagrined and just waves instead.

"We're going to be family!" mom squeals from behind me, wrapping her arm around Bella's waist. Suddenly the thought of marrying into a bowling/porn/clown fluffing family seems overwhelming, and for a moment, I forget to breathe.

"Why don't I take Edward into the back room before he falls over," Bella suggests, guiding me away from our assorted parents and through a velvet-covered door.

* * *

**A/N: Yeah...we all know where that hand was, da Ho.  
**

**Slam dunk! And yes, I remember his mom was the clown fluffer. But he's having trouble coming to terms with that.  
**

**MR :-)  
**


	45. Chapter 45

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 45**

**==============================================================================X**

"Nice to meet you," I throw over my shoulder as the door closes. I don't have time to take a breath before Bella shoves me against the wall, covering my mouth with hers.

"I'm sorry...my family...is so crazy," she apologizes between kisses, her hand traveling down. "They didn't make you change your mind, did they?" Her hand cups my balls, squeezes gently, and travels up my stiffy.

I stifle a groan, wanting nothing more than to motorboat her delectable tits, but she must know how I feel about her.

"Bella, I wanna marry you more than Jabba the Hut wants...

* * *

**A/N: :) Now we're getting somewhere!**

**xx**

**HT**


	46. Chapter 46

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 46**

**==============================================================================X**

"...a dozen slave girls covered in fresh maggots."

"Ewww. Super gross!" she giggles. "How did that not kill your boner?"

"Nothing could kill this rager, especially after watching your sweet tenpin snag just now!"

"Sexy, right?"

"Insane!"

"Then I better take care of you before you bust a nut." Bella sinks to her knees, yanking down my jeans and boxers as she slides down my thighs.

I nearly blow my load as her warm mouth encompasses my furious stiffy. Surrendering fully, my head drops back against the velvet-covered wall and bumps into a metal switch plate.

All of a sudden...

* * *

**A/N: Ruh-roh. JABBA THE FREAKIN' HUTT? SERIOUSLY? Take THAT! **

**xx IdH**


	47. Chapter 47

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 47**

**==============================================================================X**

...lights flash around us. Bella pops off my dick, leaving it bobbing and weaving between us, shiny with her spit and my pre-cum. With a whirl and flourish, the wall across from us slides apart and spotlights in the ceiling highlight the circular stage and stripper pole that's revealed.

"Oops, I forgot about that," Bella mumbles, her hand moving up my bare thighs to cup my swollen sac. As if it were part of the show, music starts pumping through the room, deep bass with an upbeat rhythm. Her hand starts slipping up and down my shaft with the beat.

* * *

**A/N: Sorry I didn't have this out sooner. I was already in bed when da Ho posted last night and this morning has been EPIC!  
**

**Now...I believe we were about to help take care of his furious stiffy.  
**

**:-) MR  
**


	48. Chapter 48

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 48**

**==============================================================================X**

My eyes roll back in my head as Bella's hand squeezes my shaft and her mouth closes back over my tip. Her cheeks hollow as she sucks me causing my eyes to pop open.

That's when I realize I've seen this room before.

My legs start to tingle as my orgasm builds. I try my best to fight it off, but images of Vaginasaurus sliding up and down that pole while two guys slam into her pussy assault my mind. Before I can warn her, I'm busting a nut down Bella's throat.

Well, that's a little embarrassing. I spit out...

* * *

**A/N: aww... poor guy didn't last very long. Whodafuck makes Edward Cullen jizz so fast?**

**On a side note, there's apparently plenty of bowling porn out there if anyone is interested... For research purposes of course:)**

**whatcha got, Ho? xx HT**


	49. Chapter 49

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 49**

**==============================================================================X**

"I blame _Poling for Dollars_."

_Crap_. What have I done?

Bella wipes her mouth with the back of her hand, rising to her full height. "Vaginasaurus, huh?"

"Jesus, Bella, I'm sorry. You were fantastic. I didn't mean..."

Her fingers cover my lips. "Hush, baby." My heart twists in the prison of my rib cage. "If we're going to be married, the first thing you need to learn is that I'm almost impossible to offend. Besides, I get it—V is super hot. But make no mistake, Brick, those were MY lips and MY tongue on your throbbing cock just now."

* * *

**A/N: I guess she told HIM! Now what, Momma R?**

**xx IdH**


	50. Chapter 50

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 50  
**

**==============================================================================X**

"Bella, believe me, I know whose throat I was coming down." I grunt when my words cause her fist to tighten around my spent cock. With moves like Jagger, I kick my pants to the side and lift her into my arms. I stumble across the room, lights still flashing like we're in the middle of a disco, and lay her out on the circular stage. Her sequined shorts slip down her thighs and I waste no time, burying my face in her sweetly scented snatch.

"Yes, Brick! I can't wait till your massive instrument invades my furrow!"

Wait, what?

* * *

**A/N: That's what, da Ho!  
**

**Chapter 50! And so much left for us to do!  
**

**MR :-)  
**


	51. Chapter 51

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 51  
**

**==============================================================================X**

I start to look up at Bella, but she places her hands on the back of my head and pushes me back down.

"Shit. Fuck. Damn! Sorry. Ignore that. Just please don't stop!"

My lips wrap around her swollen clit as two fingers sink inside her slick, warm pussy.

Unfortunately, one of Bella's short curls tickles my nose. I try to push it out of the way, but to no avail.

Flattening my tongue, I take one long lick between her soft folds, but when I land back on her clit, the damn hair is back.

Fuck! I'm gonna sneeze!

* * *

**A/N: If I da Ho does with this what I think she can, I may have just outed her;)**

**Hot Tot out. **


	52. Chapter 52

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 52**

**==============================================================================X**

I grab my ball sac with my free hand and squeeze until the urge to sneeze subsides. That shit hurts, but it's a necessary evil, because Bella is starting to get all fluttery. The very last thing I need right now is to blow my first attempt at whistling in the weeds.

I lap a straight line up her slit like I'm bowling a strike and give her tight little clit a tweak at the end, sending her right over the edge.

She twirls her fingers in my hair and tugs so hard my scalp's gonna need an ice pack.

* * *

**A/N: Poor guy- he's gonna be so battered and bruised by the time this date's over he's gonna need a full-body ice pack! Would anyone care to apply it for him?**

**Oh, some of you smarty pantses have guessed one or more of us...thank you for keeping our secret! Thank you even more for telling your friends about our story. We love your outrageous responses!**

**Still awake, Momma R?**

**xx IdH**


	53. Chapter 53

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 53**

**==============================================================================X**

"I didn't know you were a pacifist," Bella sighs. I lay my head on her thigh and look up at her.

"A what?"

"You know…you like pain when you're getting off. A pacifist," she says, leaning up on her elbows, those delicious tits of hers calling to me.

"You mean a masochist. And no, I'm not. I just didn't want to sneeze into your love canal," I mumble, staring at her boobs as she scoots down toward where I'm kneeling.

"You say tomato…I say vibrato."

I open my mouth to ask if I've fucked the smart out of her, when…

* * *

**A/N: I'm awake, da Ho! I can't BELIEVE you had him squeeze the golden globes! You're MEAN!  
**

**Now...to Tot for the continuation!  
**

**We LOVE your reviews! Even when you just tell us we're nuts!  
**


	54. Chapter 54

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 54**

**==============================================================================X**

…we're interrupted by a loud banging.

"Bells! It got kinda quiet…you guys done in there? Fruity Pop said you were thinking about getting Aro to marry you here tonight. You still want that?"

Yeah…I think that's Phil's voice asking if I've finished diddling his step-daughter and offering to marry us off.

Bella looks at me with an adorable grin on her face as she pushes a lock of hair off my forehead.

"Whatcha' say, Brick? Wanna be my hubby?"

Burying my head in her belly, I can't help but laugh. "Jabba help me, but I love you. Let's do it!"

* * *

**A/N: Apparently today is get-nothing-accomplished-except-update-UMA-as-many-times-as-possible day.**

**WORD. I dig it.**

**and SQUEE...he totally said the L word! xx Hot Tot**


	55. Chapter 55

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 55**

**==============================================================================X**

Two firm hands cock my head up, and I'm met with an intense pair of warm brown eyes. "I love you, too, Edward."

"Bella," I whisper, suddenly choked up and desperate again, "I need you. I can't wait until we're married."

She giggles, "It's only gonna take like ten minutes!"

"EXACTLY!" I say firmly.

More loud knocking.

Bella's stomach clenches as she fills her lungs then belts out, "Clear out lane four, Phil, and give us ten...no, twenty minutes!" She winks at me and reaches for my schlong.

"You clean?"

"As a whistle."

"Want kids?"

"Sure...why not?"

"Fuck me, Brick!"

* * *

**A/N: I kind of can't believe I just did that.**

**Oh well...not my problem.**

**xx IdH**


	56. Chapter 56

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 56**

**==============================================================================X**

With my rock-hard dick in her more than capable hands, I close my eyes and let Bella guide me into her body. The sounds and sensations are overwhelming. Though Bella may have acted like a slut, the tight fit of her pussy around my cock shows me just how infrequently her cooch has been invaded.

"Oh Edward," she sighs when my balls are resting against her bodacious behind. I slowly open my eyes and look down at my soon-to-be wife.

"I'm not gonna last long," I whimper.

"Then you better give me one hell of a ride before you blow."

* * *

**A/N: I can't believe da Ho did that!  
**

**You take the next thrust, Tot!  
**

**MR :-)  
**


	57. Chapter 57

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 57**

**==============================================================================X**

_Forty minutes later..._

Thrusting one last time I release inside her, my spent body collapsing on top of her sweaty one with a roar.

Fuck! I knew I wouldn't last long!

I look up at her apologetically. "I'm sorry," I pant. "That really wasn't my best effort."

Bella can barely open her eyes when she looks at me and whispers, "Eight times. I came eight fucking times, Brick."

Wincing, I apologize again. "Actually it was nine. You must've lost count, but I usually break at least fifteen. You're just too sinful for your own good, Split."

Her eyes flutter closed...

* * *

**A/N: *ducks from shit flying at my head*. Sorry girls. It was too funny to pass up. Maybe a more graphic lemon lies ahead of them after the ceremony? Who knows. Will they even have the ceremony? **

**PS you guys rock with your reviews. Thank you so much! Sorry I missed replying to them yesterday, but I got caught up in the update frenzy!**

**pps... I may have taken a tiny idea from MR writing this one when I told her my plan. Credit where credit is due folks...**

**xx - HT**


	58. Chapter 58

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 58**

**==============================================================================X**

"What's that loud banging?" Bella whispers.

"It's not me ...this time."

"I guess somebody's eager to start our wedding. _Crap_. We'll have to get off the floor."

"Mmhmm," I laugh, "and maybe even throw on some clothes."

"You might even have to..." she flexes her hips, reminding me I'm still buried inside her, "pull out at some point?"

"It'd be way more fun if I don't."

"Ugh, so romantic," she laughs then gives me a shove, rolling me to her side.

"What the heck are we gonna wear for this thing?"

"Edward, have you forgotten we're on a movie set?"

* * *

**A/N: ONLY 8? I gotta find me a bowler...or at least a BRICK! DUDE!**

**What the heck are they gonna find in the Costume Department?**

**Some of you may be getting multiple (!) review replies because, as you can tell from our writing, we aren't the most organized potatoes in Spudsville. But we do appreciate each and every one of you.**

**xx - IdH**


	59. Chapter 59

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 59**

**==============================================================================X**

I shift from one bare foot to the other at the end of lane four. Bella and I spent ten frantic minutes digging through the costumes, but of course being that the movies they shot were porn, they didn't have many shoes.

I refused to be married in knee-high leather biker boots.

We'd managed to find some soft gray cords and a nice white button-down for me. Bella found something from 'Here Cums the Bride' but I had been forbidden to even glance at it.

I look around and notice my mom is already crying into a clown's colorful handkerchief.

* * *

**A/N: I'm not sure if there is a porno called 'Here Cums the Bride' but there should be.  
**

**Aw...I always cry at weddings!  
**

**Take it, Tot!  
**


	60. Chapter 60

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 60**

**==============================================================================X**

Bella walks out in a skimpy, white bra and panties set, covered in sheer lace, and before I can say 'spank my monkey', Aro's asking for my vows.

Taking her hand, I say, "Um...I wrote you a poem.

_Bella's Bodacious Boobs  
_Baby, big bouncy boobs are my kryptonite.  
And I can't wait to get you home tonight."

_Fuck! That's lame-she's gonna bail!_

When I look up, Bella's smile is as long as my dick, and I sigh in relief.

"In conclusion, as Selena Gomez would say...A day without you is like a year without rain. I love you, Bella."

* * *

**A/N: Sorry for the delay. As it turns out, my rl wants me sometimes, too. *smh***

**Alterite threw down the challenge gauntlet and requested alliteration. There ya go, bb! You guys can thank/blame her for this! Lol**

**xx - ****Hot Tot**


	61. Chapter 61

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 61**

**==============================================================================X**

Bella's cheeks pink up and she drops her eyes demurely to our joined hands. "That was so ...incredibly ...poignant, Edward. Selena is so _profound!_"

Tears sting at my eyes, and Mom passes me her hankie. I dab my eyes on the soft green silk, then hand it over to Bella. Mom bites back laughter as the handkerchief grows a tail displaying every color of the rainbow.

"Quit clowning around, would ya?" I whisper harshly.

"Sorry, Skid. Old habits die hard."

"Mom!" I complain, but Bella distracts me by reaching into her cleavage and pulling out a crumpled scrap of paper.

* * *

**A/N: Well, I have to say, Hot Tot was quite the tough act to follow there...as usual. I leave Bella's vows in the capable potato hands of Momma Russett. Happy to toss this hot potato along! XX IdH**


	62. Chapter 62

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 62  
**

**==============================================================================X**

Bella's hand trembles as she clears her throat and looks from the paper to my eyes.

"Edward – we've gone from chasing cannibalistic hogs to me riding yours. From corny clowns canoodling to the perfect seven-ten split. I've seen your solid six-pack, and you've seen my jiggling jellyroll. Now…waiting to be pronounced man and wife, I wanted to show you one last thing." I release her reluctantly and glance around as she slips to her knees before me.

"Bella, I've already felt your fabulous fellatio," I hiss under my breath.

"No, Skid, you need to see this before we're tied together."

* * *

**A/N: Take THAT! So Tot...what are we gonna see her do? I have no idea! GAH!  
**

**MR  
**


	63. Chapter 63

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 63  
**

**==============================================================================X**

Bella leans over, flipping her beautiful, brown over her head to reveal her naturally narrow neck.

I kneel next to her to get a better look at her tantalizing tattoo, and my dick dances at the sight of two small teeth marks inked onto her skin with just a bit of blood draining out.

"I have a small vampire obsession," she admits. "And by small, I mean I've been diagnosed with Renfield Syndrome. Do you still want me?"

I crash my mouth to hers, only pulling away when we're panting pregnantly. I stick my hand in my pocket and pull...

* * *

**A/N: *gives MR the evil eye* You guys have her to thank for this delay after leaving me that prompt! I threatened to have Riley interrupt the wedding so I didn't have to worry about what she's showing him, but I just couldn't do that to poor Brick. **

**You guys rock. I seriously love your reviews! Xx - HT**


	64. Chapter 64

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 64**

**==============================================================================X**

...out my knife.

"Son!" Mom cries, sliding to a split between my bride and the gleaming blade.

"Brick?" Aro swiftly swoops in and sends the switchblade soaring.

"Bells!" Charlie lunges for Bella's shoulders and yanks her backward; the two of them fall like dominoes atop Phil, who's sprinted over to help.

"What's all the fuss, everyone? I was just going to give her a tiny prick."

Bella, my beautiful busty bride, begins to belly-laugh, bringing the balance of the bowled-over bystanders to their bottoms with her befuddling behavior.

"Brick, baby, you couldn't give me a tiny prick if you tried."

* * *

**A/N: Crack-alliteration for the evil instigator, Alterite. Any other requests out there? (End this madness, you say? BAHAHA!) xx IdH OUT!**


	65. Chapter 65

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 65**

**==============================================================================X**

I snuggle my face into Bella's sex-scented hair and sigh contently. My wife lets out a sweet hum of pleasure, her hand trailing over my rock-hard abs, stopping to rest over my heart.

"And so the girl who thinks she's a vampire fell in love with the man who thinks he's a vampire hunter."

Turning my head, I look down at Bella's beautiful smiling face.

"I can't believe you have a tattoo of fangs," I mumble, nuzzling the faux-bites.

"I can't believe you have one of Buffy on your inner thigh," she replies. "How the hell did I miss that?"

* * *

**A/N: How indeed? Did I just skip ahead? Is this wrapping up? Do you have any ideas for our next foray into madness? Do you want us to reveal ourselves?  
**

**These answers and more will be answered by Tot in the next chapter.  
**

**And seriously...I da Ho is my idol! All those awesome alliterations amazed America!  
**


	66. Chapter 66

**UP MY ALLEY**

**Chapter 66**

**==============================================================================X**

"I can't say for certain, but I'm pretty sure you were too focused on deep-throating my huge schlong to notice it," I tease.

Bella giggles and pats my chest before climbing out of our newly-christened marital bed. "Want me to rustle up some grub? We didn't really get a chance to eat tonight what with the drinking and clowns and fuck-hot sex and wedding."

"Sure, but I'm allergic to milk, wheat, eggs, and red number five," I tell her as Jake climbs into bed with me.

I gingerly push his stank-ass aside as Bella says, "Bacon it is then, baby!"

The End

* * *

**A/N: I think the answer to that question was obvious, MR. She was mesmeriized by the pretty peen.**

**YES she skipped ahead! What the frickle frack?**

**YES it's wrapping up! Only the EPIClogue is left ... but don't fret! We're working on something extra special for that, together, and it'll be well over 100 words;) We'll also reveal our true identities then!**

**Please feel free to share any requests ... we're going to take a week or two off once this is complete and start another one. Hope everyone comes along for that ride!**

**XX  
Hot Tot**


	67. EPIClogue

**UP MY ALLEY**

**EPILOGUE, aka EPIC-logue**

**==============================================================================X**

_Part 1 (I da Ho)_

"Jake, dammit, get your rancid breath out of the way, man. You're fogging up the birth canal." I shove aside his hairy snout so Mike can see what he's doing. Home births can be tricky, and I'm not taking any chances.

"Thanks again for giving me the night off, Phil," Mike says, snapping on his rubber gloves and lowering his goggles.

"Why is the pin boy delivering my daughter's baby again?" Charlie asks his husband.

"He's got the best hands around, sweetheart. Trust me, I've seen this kid unstick a fourteen-pounder wedged so high in the ball return—"

"PHIL! Shut it!" Bella shrieks, as the peak of her next contraction takes her.

"Breathe, baby, breathe," I rush to her side and offer her my left hand to squeeze.

"I'm going in," Mike announces.

There's a chorus of "That's what he said!" from the "actors of the erotic stage," as I have been coached to call Phil's movie stars.

"You're doing great," Rosalie encourages, patting her forehead with the damp cloth.

Emmett chimes in, "Yeah, Bella, it's almost time to pass that bowling ball through your—_OUCH_! The _fuck_, Rose?"

"Shut it, Em!"

"Okay, _everybody_ shut it...well, not you, Split. Now bear down for me and...PUSH!"

I try not to think about Mike Newton's hands up my wife's cooch, focusing instead on the relaxing strains of _Thick As My Brick _coming from Fruity Pop's flute.

"It's a boy!" Mike shouts.

"Aro!" I yell. "Send in the clowns!"

* * *

_Part 2 (Momma Russett)_

"Are you guys gonna have him circumcised? Aro will come back in here and do it. He _is_ the sausage man. But we'd have to give him an epic tip."

"Ba dum bum."

"Oh, and he's a mime in his spare time, so we might have to help break him out of his invisible box."

The clowns have finished hosing away the remnants of our son's birth with their seltzer guns and abundance of absorbent rainbow hankies. Now they're just hanging around to provide some entertainment. I roll my eyes at their banter and look down at the perfect child resting peacefully on Bella's bountiful breasts.

"Dude...you're going to need a wheelbarrow to cart her around after the milk comes in. Those things are gonna be _huge_!" Emmett whispers into my ear, but Rosalie hears him anyway and smacks his chest.

"Don't talk about her lady udders that way, you insensitive pig," she scolds. As if insulted by the comparison, Jake hops up onto the end of the bed and noses his way up so he can see the new addition to our family. Bella lifts her hand and Jake scoots up along side of her, as calm as I've ever seen him. His beady little piggy eyes take in every inch of our son's face; his big blue eyes framed by thick black lashes, the tiny nose perched above the most perfect mouth I've ever seen. The crowning glory is the wild red curls waving in a riot around his head.

* * *

_Part 3 (Hot Tot)**  
**_

**JPOV**

The past nine months have been so lonely since Mom married the smelly oaf who uses glitter lotion to attract the imaginary vampires he hunts, but as I take in the tiny creature in front of me for the first time, I realize this is how it was supposed to be all along.

I'm pulled to the coppertop baby by a million steel cables, and he's now the very center of my universe. It's clear that the baby boy in Mom's arms is the only thing holding me here now.

"He's perfect," I say.

"Da fuck?"

"Jake, you're gay?"

"You didn't tell me he could talk, baby!"

"I thought you knew! All werewolf pigs talk for the first time when they imprint. You should be more concerned with the fact that he just did it with our baby boy!"

"Da fuck?"

The humans are yammering all around me, but I can't be bothered to pay attention. I make my way up to the baby and rub my wet snout against his face, calming his screeching cries. Staring into his eyes, I promise to be there for him in whatever capacity he needs … until death do us part.

I tune back into the talking humans only to hear them arguing about what to call the baby. I silence everyone with a loud oink and name him after the two most famous pigs in the world.

"He shall be called … Babebur."

Mom and Sparkleboy exclaim over the perfect name I've chosen for a while, but all too soon they're lovey-dovey again.

"I love you so much, Brick. You're perfect for me."

My pork belly churns when he pushes me out of the way to kiss her and responds, "I know, baby; you're right up my alley, too."

**BabeburPOV**

Mmm ... I want bacon.

* * *

**Author Notes:**

**Well, THAT was interesting! I guess I didn't understand before we started that the object was to toss the next potato the most outrageous situation you could think of...but NOW, I'm fully prepared! A potato could not wish for two more outrageously fabulous writing partners than MR and HT; you taters had me in stomach ache laughter every single time. From the pot-bellied pig to the marriage proposal, pornalicious clowns, and absolutely assinine alliterations, it was non-stop detours! HT was right when she advised that one should not enter this kind of union lightly...there were several moments I feared we'd end up MASHED POTATOES. But we made it, and I really want to thank a few of you readers who took a chance on a few anonymous nuts who asked you to take an early peek. It was a great reminder how impossible it is to hope to get read when you have no network. So Jayme, Fran, Alterite, Jonesn, Beegurl, Missy, Domie, and Ana-thank you all for reading, reviewing, pimping, and having a little faith. It goes a long way! Everyone else who found us, tried us, stuck with us, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE, ARE YOU NUTS? I mean, thank you. Thank you so much. If you think you can handle another, put us on author alert, and guess what...we take requests! xxx ~I da Ho (aka bornonhalloween)**

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**Sigh...that was SO much fun. I think da Ho said most everything I needed to say. The fun was overwhelming. Waiting to see if anyone guessed who we were, being shocked when you guys kept reading, sitting on the edge of my seat to see what da Ho might send my way...it made my usually gray days much more colorful! Can't wait to see what you guys have in mind for us next! MWAH! Mother Russett (aka kitkat681)**

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**Mine will be short because they pretty much said everything! This was so much fun for us, and I hope you guys had even half the fun we did! I'm so impressed some of you guessed us and I wonder if the authors of the incorrect guesses would be offended? LOL Thank you so much to everyone for joining us and sticking with us. I couldn't have asked to do this with two better potatoes. Thanks again for all the love! (it wasn't that short after all...shocking!) xx Hot Tot (aka shellshock81)**


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